leaving men behind

I'm not your punching bag, your play thing, your toy, your new game, your new sport, your latest project.

I'm not your goddess, your better half, your one shot at happiness.

I'm not without feelings, I'm not cold, I'm not overly emotional, I'm not easily confused.

I am not your bitch, your whore, your slut, your temptress.

I am not a paragon of virtue, a picture of perfection, a mythical being.

(no subject)

I hate girls that hate other girls. Or who say, "oh, girls don't like me," as they giggle and flip their hair towards the first boy they see. Or who say all their friends are boys. Fucking bitches. Just say what you actually mean. You have low self esteem and you feel the need to have the undivided attention of every guy you know. AND SO, you have a hard time getting along with other girls because your need to compete with every female on some level has destroyed any possibility of a friendship, plus your attention whoring ways probably annoy all those more secure women around you who are tired of you bringing up your breasts/how ugly you are (smile, giggle giggle)/your new belly button ring/insert something to draw sexual attention here. And these women are always quick to blame other women for being so catty and gossipy and mean.

Women are always going to have a harder time being friends than guys because we have been placed in a position in society where we must compete, BECAUSE OF MEN. Men are the ones who placed the beauty standard so high that most of us spend our days being jealous of other women's physical features. Men have made the glass ceiling so low, that women must work against each other for that one business position available for a women to have so the board of directors do not seem...sexist. Men have made it impossible for women to be seen as anything but sexual creatures and so we gals have either completely denied our sexuality in order to fool the men into thinking we're one of them, or we have embraced it to the point that we practically whore ourselves out for "respect."

But here we are, gals. It's 2008 and feminism is dead because women can vote and abort their fetuses (although that may change) and so we are completely and totally equal. All we need to work on now is making sure every guy in our group of friends thinks about us while they whack off at night.

What a fucking shame.

The sad thing is, I know what it's like for women to not like you. Women don't like me, normally. I can't start a conversation with another female for the life of me, but put me in front of a guy and I can generally find something to talk about. I'm not bragging, it's the most lonely experience. I see women around campus, and I want them to know they're beautiful, and smart, and capable and witty. I want them to know they are better than the cheap orange tans, the misogynistic boyfriends, the forced interest in weddings and babies. I would enjoy nothing more but to be surrounded by women of all different backgrounds and just being able to have a discussion where we all encourage one another and support each other. Where we can remind each other that we need to stick together in order to achieve our full potential in this world. And yet, I'm stuck with this personality that seems to allow me great social skills with men, but atrociously awkward interactions with other females.

It just makes me sad.

God, the next rise in feminism cannot start soon enough.

(no subject)

Just a few things about me that are currently defining my every actions at the moment:

I am growing up, thats for damn sure. I realized that Ive already become cynical and pessimistic about life and the government and all that bullshit. Of course, it makes me so depressed to think that at a time when i'm supposed to be idealistic, i've instead skipped over that and just got angry. Not anymore! My friends, I have a confession to make. I am in love with Barrack Obama. And not because he's the college students' choice, or because he's good looking, or because he has the support of The Roots. No, I'm in love with him because I feel like he really can change the political environment of this country. I think he's honest. I think he's a good person. I think he is exactly the person we need right now. I think he is going to win, and when he does, I think he'll actually have the balls to address problems in this country that people don't even think of as issues to form a platform on. Racism? The elimination of the middle class? These are diseases seeping into every aspect of our American existence. We can put band aids on situations as long as we want. Band aids that don't get to the root, but instead end up alienating certain demographic groups all for the sake of somewhat correcting inherent inequality. I think he will stand up to say what the problems are, and even though a president can only do so much to change the racism and class deterioration in America, a president is also supposed to be our figurehead, our beacon of hope and virtue. It has been forgotten, since the past few years we've been under a tyrannical rule under the guise of a democracy and before that we had a "buddy" in the white house who impressed those who were discriminated against and then left them to fend for themselves once he reached office. Not to mention Reagan, who was so damn happy about being a corrupt person that people eventually just followed him to his "happy place." It's been awhile since a president has seemed suitable to take the influence he had and actually made a movement happen. I think Obama can be our figurehead. The person who stands up and says "these are the issues." And you know what? Talking about it is enough. Because the more people talk about it, the more they will eventually have to think about it, the more they will find solutions within their own grasp. If every person just examined their own life, their own wants and needs, and those of their community, it is possible that the bigger picture will be formed and soon everyone can help mend the wounds of this nation. I'm supporting Obama after months of grumbling that he's too "new," that he's too much a "token." I finally allowed myself to believe the things he was saying and have hope. So, as everyone knows, I'm a political person, and this may be the most important election in my lifetime. I am supporting Barrack Obama 100%. Basically, this is just a way for me to apologize ahead of time when I start passionately discussing Obama the way I normally discuss America's Next Top Model. You have been warned.

Also, I don't know what's happening with Waleed. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I don't know what's easier or harder, what's healthy or hurtful or sane. I'm at basically as confused as all of you. I do know that I love him, and for right now, that's all I'm going on. The past few months have been hard, the next few months will be hard, but I have to believe that if I wait, I will get a definitive answer about what I should do. So, while I know it's confusing when I call him my boyfriend one minute and then talk about him dumping me the next, I'm just asking everyone to bear with me, and keep opinions to yourself unless I specifically ask for them. Not that anyone is out there pissing me off or anything, I just don't want any more input for now. It's bad enough that he's pissed off some of my friends and that my uncles thing he's gay and self hating and using me as a beard, I don't need any more reasons to break up with him completely, trust me. But I also don't need any more reasons to stay with him through this, because eventually it will get better. And then, when he's taken care of his family problems and become normal and we start dating like we used to, I'll eventually get to know him in the ways I missed out on before and then dump him for something small, like him never cleaning up after himself. Then I will need you guys to be there to take me out drinking and refraining from saying "I told you so" and finding me a new man. Until then, just ignore my crazy ramblings.

Including this post...?

(no subject)



My goal is to get a new tattoo by the end of summer. Should it be a Lichtenstein girl, a Picasso peace dove, or a Keith Haring dog?

(no subject)

i know no one cares, but i really want to celebrate this accomplishment and my fucking boyfriend cant make time to actually listen to me. so here it is livejournal, you can be my boyfriend for right now...

i now have a full time job at a law company and make 15 dollars an hour, which is like a bazillion dollars to me. i am in charge of things, i get to organize stuff, and i get to do tedious work while listening to my ipod and not having anyone boss me around. plus, i can put in 15 hours wherever i want whenever i want so i dont have to lose hours during school. my job is awesome.

that's all. i just wanted to brag a little.

(no subject)

So the songs I listen to on a everyday basis don't scream "fight songs." So, the five songs I would put in my ironman suit to fight bad guys has been a quest for me. I think I found them.

1) Iron Man- Black Sabbath (I mean, duh)
2) Kashmir- Led Zeppelin
3) Back in Black- AC/DC
4) Ballroom Blitz- The Sweet
5) I Wanna Be Your Dog- The Stooges

I'm pretty proud of this list right now. This is a good fucking fight list.

That's all.

(no subject)

ok so ugly, fat bitch just fired me.

at least i now have time for the million other jobs im supposed to have this year.

fuck you barbara!

(no subject)

I hate this semester and what it has done to me.
I hate the fact that i have ovarian problems, just because...i mean what the hell? There might be cists all over my lady parts? Why? Why do this to an athiest feminist who already feels women get the short end of the stick in life? Is this punishment from god for not believing in him? That just makes me hate men more. Ugh....ovaries. It's such a lame answer to what has been causing me pain every few weeks for four days straight. I was hoping it would be something cool that i could brag about, like gang members stab me while im sleeping, or something like that. OVARIES.

i love my new house, i love my new neighborhood, i love my new(ish) boyfriend (i just didnt want to break the cycle). I hate Barbara and I hope she chokes on a fat dick and dies doing the only think she knows how to do: giving bad head. I imagine she cant be that good at it. I really want to point out the fact that her ass has gotten fatter since taking this job and her eyes are Paris Hilton sorts of wonky. Or I just want to shoot her in the face. Either way, HATE.

Waleed turns 22 this sunday and i have no money but im still buying him beer and stuff at the game which means i will be beyond poor. Damn $7 beers!


(no subject)

Waleed wants to move to Korea for a year starting July.
I have been open and honest from the beginning that I can't do long distance relationships but he is now upset that i said we would have to break up for a year.
The thing is, for that entire year, my senior year, I will change so much. He will change so much. After the year is over, will we even know each other anymore?
I know how I am. I emotionally detach myself so I wont get hurt.
I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him as long as possible. I want to be with him. But I can't put myself through that.